I recall not being able to sleep through that entire night; for now, what I know was for one of two reasons. I was losing one of my best friends. Moments before I was getting ready to head to campus to give my thesis presentation, I overheard my mom screaming on the phone; she quickly ran into my room to share the horrific news: "Chickie didn't make it."
Having your heart ripped out of your chest is a feeling you’ll never forget. Never in a million years would I have thought I’d be standing over your body saying goodbye to you in a morgue. The remaining feelings of shock and disbelief fill my body as I come to terms with this unruly reality.
It’s been a month since you left us, and that feeling of an aching heart hasn’t gone away. I don’t think it ever will. You left so suddenly and so fast. The pain of your departure hurts, but the idea of the life you left unlived hurts even more.
You won't get to live out all the dreams you had and your accomplishments. The pain of not being by your side on your wedding day or becoming an auntie to your unborn child. Birthday celebrations and graduations you won't get to attend or have yourself. For me, it's the pain of not being able to travel with my best friend. How you always wanted to go to Spain, and how I now have to live that out for you when you should be there with me...
Although, you have gone away physically. You remind me constantly that you’re with us by visiting my dreams. One of the more recent ones of you telling me “to go to church” is a verifying one!
Or in an earlier dream when me, Courtney, and your friends were having a going-away party for you because you wanted to convert to an owl and leave us for some odd reason. While everyone accepted that you had to go, I did not. I remember in the dream arguing with you telling you how could you leave us, how could you leave your family. In the dream, you were just so calm, and you looked at me and said, “Dee, this is just something I have to do. I have to go,” and I was angry with you for wanting to leave.
I found it interesting that you wanted to be an owl of all things in that dream. In reality, owls are one of my favorite birds, and in symbolism, owls represent wisdom. Not only were you wise, my friend, but you were strong. So, of course, I went on a google hunt to figure out what dreaming of owls meant. Come to find out, they represent hidden knowledge and intuitive insight and are associated with death. Spiritually representing significant life changes. Safe to say,
it was very accurate.
Grief manifests in many different ways, but I am thankful for my dreams and how often I get to see you in them. I love you, Arianna, and I know you’re still watching over us and even making fun of us up there. Please continue to do so while we come to terms with this reality and grieve your life.🐣💗🌺🕊
